RK- Buzzworthy and Fresh Air

The Decks and the Road

Renegotiating Kaylin

Chapter 13- Buzzworthy

Kayla- She’d found a way to put all her loves together.  It made me feel like I could also, but I’d loss one of my favorite loves.  Looking back maybe I’d thought I had them all fitted nicely together, but there is such a thing as deception without malice I suppose.  Perhaps there’s deception that is born out of silence.  At the moment, it’s my most hated deception.  Today, I’m at Jennifer Burrows.  It’s Saturday, and it’s a mad house.  She’s selling her newest collection of furniture like crazy, and the associates can barely keep up with the inflow.  Then there’s the phones ringing off the hook.  I can’t hear them from upstairs, but my view lets me know.  Those are the calls for bookings, and the salon…  Well, my book is filled as always.  This is the way it’s been for quite some time, but it feels right.  Sunday… that was our day.  We’d loss Monday mornings to Simpleton and Fisher, but Sunday was still good.  I’d managed to get through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve without him, but I’ve been planning this cruise for my upcoming birthday and the thought of being alone makes me want to call the whole thing off.  I mean… being alone when you’re alone is just so much easier.  Then there’s the upcoming “would-have-been” twelve year anniversary, and I’m ready to get this year over with.  Problem is… it just began.  I’ve been thinking about him; not him him… the new him.  But there’s no need in rushing things just to fill a spot.  It’s just been a lot of thinking, but Terry’s up next and she interrupts all thinking with her storytelling and her need to discuss all the buzzworthy TV moments of the week.  It’s welcomed at this point, but thank God she’s not getting everything but the sink today and she should be out in just over an hour.  Little did I know one of the buzzing topics would be miscarriage, and now I’ve fallen off the TV map and I’m back in my head.  It’s been a bit of a plague; two each for both Aisha and I, and to keep the pain light, we’ve made a deal.  Whoever gives birth first writes the other a check for five thousand dollars.  It’s our human way of leveling the field.  Neither one of us needs the check, but it’s something to toss our feelings to whenever the conversation comes up.  Too bad… she’s not here and I’m hoping there’s another topic up ahead.  I’m certain there is, but she likes for me to get in on the fun and appears to be waiting; circling back around for me to hop on.  I do see a little TV here and there, and pull from my memory a topic of my own.  She comes right along, and we’re off again. 

By the end of the day, I’ve only seen five clients, but it doesn’t make it into the equation.  I’m salaried, and way above my trouble… if there’s any.  On the way home, I’m texting… I mean talking at every stop.  It’s “The Body” or as I like to say… him.  I’d thought it a little self-centered at first then I’d considered deception and had made my way over it.  I’d just hoped it was all it was being pointed out to be.  We were still behind the curtain with each other.  I’m still Meg, and I assume he’s considered it’s not really my name.  This is it; our fifth talk.  They’ve all been somewhat like this…  choppy; between calls or heads or traffic lights, but I suppose we’ve been able to gather enough of what we’ve each decided is important.  I was surprised at sign on that there was an option for ‘married but separated’ and not just ‘let’s talk about later’.  I’d completely frowned upon that one, but I’d gotten so many nudges with that selection that I’d finally accepted that maybe there was a culture about it that I would need to warm up to.  As it stands, I’m virtually dating someone named ‘The Body’ who doesn’t know if he’s single, married, divorced, or married but separated.  It reminded me that my relationship and marriage to Wood was my only truly successful one; how then would I know how to navigate this scene and in digital form.  It was nothing but a shot in the dark, but I’d learned one thing since Tayeton.  It was the one thing that had made all the difference, and I’d planned on keeping it at the forefront of my mind.  As I did, it allowed me to reach for the right questions, and keep my eye on the fact that I wasn’t looking for a date.  My friends were dynamic.  They could be my dates.  My work was Fascinating and Orgasmic, and technically I was still married.  I had been curious to see ‘The Body’ revealed, but I had a body I knew well and it was just a short memory away.  So it wasn’t for fun, but I wasn’t so pressed that I couldn’t have fun, and fun meant that I hadn’t put but maybe a pint of my heart into this basket.  Yet the conversations with all their mazes had gotten more and more serious in a light-hearted way.   Nevertheless, I went to bed with my heart warm, and I woke up with excitement.  

However, by the time I sat down in front of my father, my excitement had begun to shrink.  I couldn’t help but notice he was not entirely himself and he’d loss a notable amount of weight.  It had only been six weeks since I’d seen him last.  I tried to remember he wasn’t the healthiest person in the world and push it to the side, but I couldn’t.  His appearance had never given way to his predicament, and it left his strength both in mind and body up for question.  It was hard to explain, but we were friends.  So much so that he’d detected and questioned me early on in my separation from Wood, but it was too early and I hadn’t expected it to last.  To my concern for him, his answer was, “I’m just about finished accomplishing the things I only wished I would have the opportunity to accomplish.”  He was not the same man I’d first come to see.  When he knew I no longer hated him he’d slowly become someone whose life I could take interest in.  I didn’t question his statement, nor could I completely put my finger on what those things were, but I understood that it was his way of saying that no one was pulling the carpet from under him.  I only added, “I invited Kaylin to come visit you.”

“You should have asked.”  It was and wasn’t a complete surprise.  Though we’d come a distance, I hadn’t forgotten the man from my first visit, and he’d become him again.  He was angry and resistant; perhaps defensive. 

“Both you and Nora said nothing happened there, so why the breakdown?”

“Her mother’s dead.  You don’t see how that might cause a breakdown?”

“But no one’s ever told her how.”

“Kaylin is different.  No one ever taught her to pray either.  She just knows things.”

“So, these things you’re working to accomplish… Is she anywhere among them?”  We’d had many tough conversations.  He didn’t scare me, nor did I scare him. 

“There’s no time to overcome anger, and there’s no sense in absorbing it.”  It made sense, and too much to fight with.  We sat both disappointed, but seeing eye to eye.  Still, reading the pages of the book he was writing made me stretch out my faith a length long enough for the both of us.  I didn’t bother to help him see it or understand it, but I would hold on to it.  When our time together was just about up, he was sure to instruct me, “Maybe I’ll see you before six weeks.”  He’d never done that before.  He’d never asked when or suggested when we’d see each other.  Therefore I knew it was more of an instruction, and it was hard to fight back my tears.  I’d felt a swift wind before.  I’d come to know “out of the blue”, but still I had nothing to compare it to.  Lastly, just before he turned to walk away, came the words, “Fight for him Kayla.  Believe it or not, I know love when I see it.”

The deck had been cut, and his card had long been pulled, but he had faced the Road like a man.  When I returned home, Kaylin was there and her door was opened.  On the ride back I’d meant with Nora again; I’d silenced my mother twice; I’d accepted Mr. Simpleton’s offer for the tenth time; I’d shook my head and freed the devastation of nearly becoming a mother twice, and I’d separated the monster from the man I’d come to know… far enough to test Kaylin’s anger.  When I stepped into the space she’d almost seemed to be keeping from me, I couldn’t help but also acknowledge her transformation.  Something had happened.  I hadn’t seen it quite as clear a few days before, and if you could lose ten or twelve pounds in a couple days, I would probably say she may have done so.  Her features were changing and I could see the young girl I met in Dr. Kat’s lobby.  She also looked less bloated; not in terms of food but something she’d been carrying.  I immediately garnered her attention and she hopped off the bed. 

“How’d it go?”  It was rather funny, and I couldn’t have known it, but she was waiting to ask the question.  She was curious; more curious than angry this day.  Maybe she’d thought if I could… then.

“Well.  You do know that it’s not my first time?”

“I wasn’t sure.  You never mentioned it.”

“I did when it felt right.”

“What do you think is different?”  At her question, I walked away; not far… just into the kitchen.  It was a good question.  One I could blame on instincts, but the truth was that I’d thought of it before and it had taken me until now.  I’d had enough of memory lane in the car and I didn’t want to go into a long debate, and with a short but deep breath, I exhaled.”

“He’s dying.”  I could see the shock as it ripped through her.  Maybe she thought she had more time to be angry or indifferent.  I could also see that there was something behind her eyes that had probably envisioned some kind of reckoning. 

“How do you know?  Is he in the hospital?”

“If that’s the vision you’re holding onto Kaylin, you may never get it.  I’m going to see him again in a few weeks.  Maybe you’ll like to come.”

“Maybe.”  Her tone had changed from absurd to possibly, and I thought it was more than fair.  I had just one thing more to consider; one I hadn’t forgotten but was too angry to allow its appeal.  I’d ridden the wave of emotions and the status of my marriage had become more than a sour subject.  Still, wisdom had spoken for it, and my father’s words were ringing in my ears.  I needed to take a shoulder; a moment; another moment.  But before I took it, and before she left the room, I needed to say…

“Kaylin, you look wonderful.”  

Chapter 14- Fresh Air

Wood- It was a moment of insanity.  That’s all I can say.  I was convinced of Kayla’s infidelity and it had driven me to want to be with someone else.  She had it like that to sum it up, but I did also.  I wanted to think like a single man, but I was all the way married.  I was married in my heart.  But she hadn’t blinked; maybe she did.  I don’t know, but she didn’t jump like I’d wanted her to.  In her presence, I wore my heart on my sleeve.  I couldn’t help it.  But away from her, I tried to hurt her.  It’s a dangerous driving force.  I knew it the moment I allowed it to sweep me up, but it made me feel like I was in control until I lost control.  I’d spent five years watching her slowly slip through my fingers, and the moment she felt completely out of my hands was a moment I still wasn’t ready to come to terms with.  I already know what most people are going to say… “It’s her success” but it’s not; it’s her attention; it’s shifted and I just don’t know that we’re all that important to her anymore.  But honestly, it was a bad idea.  The moment I opened the door I knew it.  I couldn’t even focus on her for all the memories we’d made there… Kayla and I.  I wanted to hear her out the night I discovered the notes, but it’s just that damn title “negotiator”.  It makes me feel like I’m being played, and I didn’t want to be played.   Furthermore, I’d shared my concerns from the very beginning; before the funeral; before the book… the moment the thought arose that they could be friends or some sort of family.  But I suppose with all the big deals and gigantic wins she thought she could eventually win me over.  And then she throws out that weak card…. “Just tell me and I’ll fix it”… as if I don’t know how much she loves what she does.  Funny that damn Palmer Simpleton spotted something in her I never did after all the times I’ve studied her.  What can I say… The man knows his business.  Speaking of business, I’ve managed to keep it just our business, except Tony’s not acting like himself today.  His eyes are not following the ball as much as they seem to be following me, and I’m wondering if she’s finally said something to Aisha.  I play on in the discomfort, and once the game is over I try hurrying off to my car, but his voice is chasing after me with something about sports.  It’s the usual really, but today I’m really distracted by it all and the last thing I want to do is chat about sports.  I make it to my car but he’s out paced me, and is now only but a step or two away.

“Okay, I get it.  But if you need to talk about it… I mean just air out some of your feelings about it. I’m here.”  It’s nothing personal, but if I did want to just air my feelings I’d probably give my dad a call first.  I know we play together every week, and we’ve managed to stay cool, but I wouldn’t think to discuss my wife with…  Anyway.

“Thanks man.”  I don’t bother to confirm that he’s talking about what I’m thinking about.  I start to pull away, and I hear the question arise “do they ever leave?”  I hadn’t given it much thought in that way, but between her father, Tony, and Tayeton it was as if there was some continuous note that was determined to be played throughout her entire life.  I then thought, “what if I’m the upset?” and if I was, it was certainly a struggle for territory. 

I’d given the thought of speaking to my father room to wander, but something kept saying “not just yet.”  I’d not spoken to my lady friend in weeks; not since I’d botched the get-a-way, and I was back on the dating app Johnaya had turned me on to.  I didn’t exactly know what I was looking for, and again I’d been lured into thinking I could suit my needs by these means.  I’d spent most of the afternoon chatting, but by night I’d gone M.I.A.  The next day after service, I found myself in Pastor Andre’s office.  It wasn’t his usual meeting time, but I’d begged him for just a few minutes and he was kind. 

“What’s the matter Wood, you look sick.”

“Maybe I have a reason to be.  It’s my marriage.”

“It’s surely one that I’m proud off.  What’s going on?”  I could see that he’d be blindsided and it made me want to put down the matter, but I didn’t want to waste his time. 

“Kayla and I’ve been separated for some months now.  I’m sure I can fix it, but I’m not sure I’ll be happy.  It’s like her world has outgrown me.  I’m thinking to ask for a divorce.”

“You can’t do that.  Don’t be confused by her success Wood.  She’s still healing, and spiritually you’ve taken up the position of being a rock.  If you change your position things fall apart.  A rock of your nature and size cannot be moved without people taking notice.  If her world has gotten that large, she’ll need you.  The question is can you be an invisible rock?”  His words were provocative; more so than even the ones he spoke every Sunday.

“But I messed up.”

“Your job is to get the two of you in here.  I’ll be the judge.”  

Everything he said was encouraging.  It made the last six months feel overblown, and I wondered why I hadn’t spoken to him before.  True nothing was still for certain, but I now had a focus separate from the ones I’d been distracted by.  I left the room and the building carrying my own air.  The thought of us continuing was a lively one, and it made things blossom.  It was no doubt good for me, but I’d gotten right up to the moment, and I didn’t know if I could refuse the temptation to unveil her.      

Renegotiating Kaylin, a novel

Copyright 2019 by Natisha Renee Williams and Grace Call Communications, LLC

All Rights Reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.