Erased, a novel
Chapter 15- Bagels Over Laments and Prophesies
Dr. Kat Shepherd- I'm married now; to a guy I met at a funeral. It's the pinch I give myself each day. There aren't many things I don't see coming... speaking in monumental terms. I usual can say I was onto it, before it can say it was onto me, but Tayeton takes my breath away each day and brings me a fresh one. Even lately in his deepening quietness, he still does it. I'm behind on the blog, and I've been praying he doesn't bring it up. It's been busy. Well, both of us are busy and in high demand. I still don't know who passed my name off to the prison, but I'm getting steady breaks. Today, I'm in the office. Mr. Simpleton is coming in. I hope he's not allergic to cats. I decided to bring Shepherd. I'm still amazed at how long it can take to breakthrough to him. It's been a cross between walking a tight rope and trying to dodge your own shadow, but he still makes for good notes and notations. Now that Tayeton, Kaylin, and I are under a single roof, I've started doing my alabada in my office. It's even started to look more homey. It's just that I haven't adjusted to sharing everything, and home is starting to spill over into work.
I'm not a hundred percent in the moment either. I'd met Kaylin in the kitchen this morning. It was truly to my surprise. She's on summer break, and most times I don't see her til late evening. It was almost like she'd been waiting to see me. She's like a cat; removed and then ever present. Usually she looks like she's reading everything in the room, including me, but for sure she had come to meet me. She was the first to say good morning. She sat at the large wooden table with the map of the world we had hand-painted on it in lots of bright colors. A bowl of cereal was in front of her, and at first glance she appeared to be eating it slowly between moments of study. I headed past her and stood at the open fridge searching for words to break the ice. This was the usual between us. I couldn't think of anything, and went on to toasting my bagel.
"Have you ever thought of having a baby?" My back was to her. Still, her words hit me like a back handed slap. I didn't know where her question had come from, or where it was going. However, they represented some of the kinks Tayeton and I hadn't fully worked out. I thought about being her big sister in-law, but I decided to wear my doctor's hat instead. I remembered to answer with a simple yes or no, which was the best advice I could give myself whenever it felt like the devil was poking me.
"Maybe William would be a good name." She didn't lift her head from the bowl and in my nakedness, I turned back to face the toaster.
"You shouldn't worry that Tayeton's sick."
"I have to worry." I shot back, and I knew I'd loss hold of my hat.
"Is that what God says?" She continued and our eyes were in a deadlock.
"How do you know all this?" I reduced the moment to the fact that I was her superior.
"I shouldn't have said anything. Forget that I said anything." And just like that she was gone. I glimpsed up at the clock, and I was all of five minutes behind. I snatched up my mobile office; a bundle of things I carried around and left the site where I was reassured that William wasn't a prayer but a promise; a promise I couldn't quit from nagging me and Mr. Simpleton was on his way in. Literally.
"Hi Kat." I could see that he was in a good mood, although he always was. His good mood however, had nothing to do with whether or not we'd have a successful session.
"Hello Mr. Simpleton. Welcome back. I think we made great progress on your last visit. I'll like to continue with some of the awakenings from that session." I tried to draw us back into progress.
"Awakenings. That's respectable." I could hear that he was ready to unleash his usual rebellion that came all dressed up and hidden in wisdom.
"Is there a word you'd prefer I use Mr. Simpleton?"
"No. I've relaxed my preferences in this phase of life."
"Great, then tell me more about the inheritance and how your father crossed you." It was as far as we'd gotten in the tale of the stolen inheritance. We'd branched off, we'd blossomed, and we'd circled back around; an several times. It may have seemed fruitless but I was keeping track, and I had all the lines drawn connecting the dots he would argue were connected.
"I wouldn't call it cross. It was more like a block out. I'm just saying, I should have been in that room."
"Is that why you've nearly blocked out all of your siblings?"
"There are no block outs here. I've made my feelings clear." His face was covered and I'd loss the battle before, requesting that he uncover his face, but I would have loved to see his actual expression on that note.
"Do you think it would serve you better to speak your feelings rather than showing them?" I'd asked this question before.
"Check your notes Kat. I've answered this question already." He never missed an opportunity to make a correction or highlight where he saw fit. It was clear... it was going to be one of those days. I could have played my favorite card and just ask him to tell me about his brother, and he's go on for days. That was the card I was allowed to play unlimitedly without any corrections or disapproval, but I'd gotten enough notes on that grievance. I was trying to scratch the surface of this thing he had against his father, and see just how deep the wound was. Interestingly, in all the times he'd talked about his brother, he'd managed to bypass his father. It was as if the roads never collided. That was the puzzle piece I was after, and judging the time it had taken me to collect the others, I knew better than to rush. I flipped through the stack of papers in his folder and landed a better question.
"Think of a question you wouldn't mind answering more than once."
"Well Kat, the best questions are worth answering more than once. In publishing that's called formula." We were branching off again, and it was good. These moments were the most revealing, and I had found a formula.
After the door closed behind Mr.Simpleton, I laid my face down bare over the papers. I'd sacrificed most of the breath I had received in the early morning hours. As I grasped for more, I reached for my phone. I checked in on Tayeton's blog and found that I was still a huge part of his inspiration, and this morning's blog was the first in over a week to begin with the word "she". It took all that was left of my breath, but then a fresh wind came rushing by. I was still she.
Erased, a novel
Copyright 2018 by Natisha Renee Williams, All Rights Reserved
Grace Call Communications, LLC Copyright 2018
Chapter 15- Bagels Over Laments and Prophesies
Dr. Kat Shepherd- I'm married now; to a guy I met at a funeral. It's the pinch I give myself each day. There aren't many things I don't see coming... speaking in monumental terms. I usual can say I was onto it, before it can say it was onto me, but Tayeton takes my breath away each day and brings me a fresh one. Even lately in his deepening quietness, he still does it. I'm behind on the blog, and I've been praying he doesn't bring it up. It's been busy. Well, both of us are busy and in high demand. I still don't know who passed my name off to the prison, but I'm getting steady breaks. Today, I'm in the office. Mr. Simpleton is coming in. I hope he's not allergic to cats. I decided to bring Shepherd. I'm still amazed at how long it can take to breakthrough to him. It's been a cross between walking a tight rope and trying to dodge your own shadow, but he still makes for good notes and notations. Now that Tayeton, Kaylin, and I are under a single roof, I've started doing my alabada in my office. It's even started to look more homey. It's just that I haven't adjusted to sharing everything, and home is starting to spill over into work.
I'm not a hundred percent in the moment either. I'd met Kaylin in the kitchen this morning. It was truly to my surprise. She's on summer break, and most times I don't see her til late evening. It was almost like she'd been waiting to see me. She's like a cat; removed and then ever present. Usually she looks like she's reading everything in the room, including me, but for sure she had come to meet me. She was the first to say good morning. She sat at the large wooden table with the map of the world we had hand-painted on it in lots of bright colors. A bowl of cereal was in front of her, and at first glance she appeared to be eating it slowly between moments of study. I headed past her and stood at the open fridge searching for words to break the ice. This was the usual between us. I couldn't think of anything, and went on to toasting my bagel.
"Have you ever thought of having a baby?" My back was to her. Still, her words hit me like a back handed slap. I didn't know where her question had come from, or where it was going. However, they represented some of the kinks Tayeton and I hadn't fully worked out. I thought about being her big sister in-law, but I decided to wear my doctor's hat instead. I remembered to answer with a simple yes or no, which was the best advice I could give myself whenever it felt like the devil was poking me.
"Maybe William would be a good name." She didn't lift her head from the bowl and in my nakedness, I turned back to face the toaster.
"You shouldn't worry that Tayeton's sick."
"I have to worry." I shot back, and I knew I'd loss hold of my hat.
"Is that what God says?" She continued and our eyes were in a deadlock.
"How do you know all this?" I reduced the moment to the fact that I was her superior.
"I shouldn't have said anything. Forget that I said anything." And just like that she was gone. I glimpsed up at the clock, and I was all of five minutes behind. I snatched up my mobile office; a bundle of things I carried around and left the site where I was reassured that William wasn't a prayer but a promise; a promise I couldn't quit from nagging me and Mr. Simpleton was on his way in. Literally.
"Hi Kat." I could see that he was in a good mood, although he always was. His good mood however, had nothing to do with whether or not we'd have a successful session.
"Hello Mr. Simpleton. Welcome back. I think we made great progress on your last visit. I'll like to continue with some of the awakenings from that session." I tried to draw us back into progress.
"Awakenings. That's respectable." I could hear that he was ready to unleash his usual rebellion that came all dressed up and hidden in wisdom.
"Is there a word you'd prefer I use Mr. Simpleton?"
"No. I've relaxed my preferences in this phase of life."
"Great, then tell me more about the inheritance and how your father crossed you." It was as far as we'd gotten in the tale of the stolen inheritance. We'd branched off, we'd blossomed, and we'd circled back around; an several times. It may have seemed fruitless but I was keeping track, and I had all the lines drawn connecting the dots he would argue were connected.
"I wouldn't call it cross. It was more like a block out. I'm just saying, I should have been in that room."
"Is that why you've nearly blocked out all of your siblings?"
"There are no block outs here. I've made my feelings clear." His face was covered and I'd loss the battle before, requesting that he uncover his face, but I would have loved to see his actual expression on that note.
"Do you think it would serve you better to speak your feelings rather than showing them?" I'd asked this question before.
"Check your notes Kat. I've answered this question already." He never missed an opportunity to make a correction or highlight where he saw fit. It was clear... it was going to be one of those days. I could have played my favorite card and just ask him to tell me about his brother, and he's go on for days. That was the card I was allowed to play unlimitedly without any corrections or disapproval, but I'd gotten enough notes on that grievance. I was trying to scratch the surface of this thing he had against his father, and see just how deep the wound was. Interestingly, in all the times he'd talked about his brother, he'd managed to bypass his father. It was as if the roads never collided. That was the puzzle piece I was after, and judging the time it had taken me to collect the others, I knew better than to rush. I flipped through the stack of papers in his folder and landed a better question.
"Think of a question you wouldn't mind answering more than once."
"Well Kat, the best questions are worth answering more than once. In publishing that's called formula." We were branching off again, and it was good. These moments were the most revealing, and I had found a formula.
After the door closed behind Mr.Simpleton, I laid my face down bare over the papers. I'd sacrificed most of the breath I had received in the early morning hours. As I grasped for more, I reached for my phone. I checked in on Tayeton's blog and found that I was still a huge part of his inspiration, and this morning's blog was the first in over a week to begin with the word "she". It took all that was left of my breath, but then a fresh wind came rushing by. I was still she.
Erased, a novel
Copyright 2018 by Natisha Renee Williams, All Rights Reserved
Grace Call Communications, LLC Copyright 2018
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